Silent Sorority – Tender, Wistful, Intelligent

Finished Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos’s book Silent Sorority this weekend. In between much family commotion, which included a family dinner with my four nieces (my sister has four girls!), sister, BIL, mom & dad, and meeting my newborn niece Juane (my brother’s first), my birthday buddy – born 11 June 2009.

Could I have chosen better circumstances to read this book?  Maybe.

Anyhow, I began reading Friday night, still tender from hormonal bloating after my cancelled GIFT cycle last week, and could not put the book down.  It was a complete privilege to be transported into Pamela’s world and I thoroughly enjoyed her dialogue and especially the few quirky remarks by Alex, her husband.  My personal favourite being: “Pammie my work with you is almost complete.” Reminded me so much of my DH who very much enjoys making comments to the same effect.

I read the book, pencil in hand (as I’ve recently started to read books) to note down my most favourite passages to easily browse back to.  I share with you a few of my favourite quotes.

What he said about seeing his daughter Madeline for the first time was tender and unforgettable:  “If I had know I could feel love as intensely as this, I wouldn’t have waited so long to be a father”

Silent Sorority by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

With the birth of my brother’s daughter in fresh memory, this quote still stings as I recall my mom stopping almost mid sentence yesterday (realising how much pain this inflicts on DH & I) as she described how proud my brother looked, holding her the first time.  Not sure if I feel more pain or anger at that thought, that my pain prevents others from being able to share freely, to restrain their joy to protect me.

Before I could say anything further she yelled “Clomid.”  I thought for a minute she was calling for her assistant to join us.

Silent Sorority by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

Had such a laugh reading this line, pitched with perfect humour, and relates how clumsy we all are in the begining, fumbling about nervously in an RE’s/gynie’s office.

I realised Alex was right, but the desire to get pregnant with his baby was so strong that any rational argument was beyond my apprehension at that moment.  Seeing tears well up in my eyes he immediately got up to embrace me. I slumped in his arms and the tears began to fall.

Silent Sorority by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

I wish I could imprint in the minds of every human being, the awareness of the pain that accompanies the decision to pursue fertility treatment, how at the core, it’s not about impatience, control, self interest or the need to perpetuate our genes, faithlessness, or any of the other hundreds or vulgar reasons people so much like to refer to, but for most of us it boils down to the need to share with our partner the joys of the shared creation of life of the deep bond associated with that, of bringing to completion that what sex in marriage ultimately symbolises – oneness and the creation of joy, the establishment of a very deep bond of trust and intimacy of ultimate surrender and a dedicated shared future.  And the fear of never being able to have that. Children are not trophies, they are vehicles of love and vessels of our values to be gifted to the world as a unique expression of our love for each other.  I can probably write a book on this single concept, and how often it is misunderstood, and how deep it runs.

The pregnancies and deliveries didn’t fully register because I was dead inside.  I functioned somehow on brainstem level Hermitville.  I’d have grown a beard if I could.

Silent Sorority by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

How many of us regularly have to tune ourselves out, not to go insane with the noises of childbearing conversation, pregnancy anouncement broadcasting, of accidental or unwanted pregnancies and unsolicited advice. Like, “Why don’t you just adopt?”

Because asking the question implies that there was no loss, sorrow, disappointment, shock, longing, grief, heartache, or dashed dreams associated with not being able to bear children.  Would you be so uncaring to ask a parent who has buried a child if they’ve contacted the local foster care system yet to get a replacement child for the one they lost? Sounds a tad insensitive maybe?

Silent Sorority by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

For the record.  Adoption is not a replacement for a biological child, neither is it a plaster to mend the pain of infertility.  It’s a life calling.

I felt an intense connection to the Spanish composer and rocked gently back and forth  in my seat as the music lightened.  I could feel my womb ache  and throb as my period started.  Even as the bleeding sensation made itself known, the heavenly music brought me closer to the sweet souls we tried to create.  It was as if their spirits were in the room with us.  That’s when my grieving began in earnest.

Silent Sorority by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

My heart still skips a beat reading this.

Alex meanwhile had overnight become an infertility blogger widower.  He had a mixed response to my newfound hobby.  On the one hand he was relieved I was finding an outlet for my pent-up thoughts and emotions, but suddenly each morning he found me locked in what amounted to be a love affair with my laptop.

Silent Sorority by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

Sound familiar to anyone?! He, he…

“You know, this is the mass where they have that awful display.  When they ask all the mothers to stand. And all I could do is think of you and those like you and…” His eyes teared up. My eyes teared up. Neither of us knew what to say next.  And then I became a little girl again.  I fell into his arms for a hug.  He held me tightly and whispered in my ear “Goodbey, baby.”  I watched as he made his way down the church steps and I had a good cry.

Silent Sorority by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

The ultimate tearjerker in this book.  I tear up every time I read it as I wonder if the non-infertiles in my life will ever learn to have this deep an appreciation for what infertiles go through.

There are so many more, but I don’t want to spoil the book entirely for those who haven’t read it.

Silent Sorority is without a doubt a landmark book on the exploration of infertility and life after infertility treatment, or coming to terms with living childfree NOT by choice.  It’s a tour de force, this memoir of a clearly intelligent woman finely attuned to the intricate emotions and complex realities surrounding the experience of infertility.  One would foresee this book to become one of those rare jewels that would remain a gold standard guide to those wishing to understand the effects of infertility on the individual and the challenges we face to educate society at large on how to deal with infertility with sensitivity in those suffering around us.

Well done Pamela, I would say, mission accomplished! Well done!

Find her blog here: www.coming2terms.com

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