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Processing a failed IVF, emotional impact

November 20th, 2008 • Related • Filed Under

Forgive me if I linger a little longer on the failed IVF topic, but some things deserve more than a fleeting glance and a quick swoop under the carpet.

I remember, not too long ago when my first IVF failed how I looked for comfort, days after the result came in.  I googled “processing a failed IVF”, “emotional impact of failed IVF”, “depression and failed IVF”, I didn’t find much apart from a few boring scholarly articles which basically all conclude that yes, IVF failure often leads to depression.  Wham bam, thank you mam.  I am now officially at higher risk for substance abuse and other such undesirable conditions.  Yea, yipee, yea, yipee do da day!  To be hounest, I probably am a high risk alcoholic, but I can’t stand hangovers, not even teeny weenie ones, they irritate me to such an extent that I probably will never end up in rehab.  How unfortunate.

Anyways, back to dealing with the pits of depression after a failed IVF.  It goes like this…after surviving two weeks of stabbing yourself almost daily with FSH, a lot of calculated poking at your insides and enduring another 2 weeks of medication that induce symptoms uncannily similar to early pregnancy, your dream world crumbles into a little pile of dust when THE phone call arrives.  From that moment onwards you walk around with a feeling of emotional nausea, like something is stuck inside you, the dark black placenta of hope ripping away from your heart and choking your lungs.  This choking feeling hangs around for a few days.  Not to worry, this is completely normal and one of the side-effects very few people will tell you about.  But here it is.  You will walk around for a few days wishing you could cough a deep cough and let this suffocating thing out, but you can’t.  This thing has a timetable all of its own and you are the puppet on its strings until it decides to let go.  The good news, it has a limited shelf life and will eventually subside.  One morning you will wake up and suddenly feel lighter and able to breathe more freely, the memory of those times, however remain like a permanent scar and you remember those feelings with crystal clarity each time when you see the letters BFN.  

I can’t remember where I heard it, but I remember someone saying in an interview that there is a name for someone that loses a wife and a name for someone that loses a husband, but no name for someone that loses a child.  It struck me so deeply ’cause I can only imagine what it must feel like to lose a child, I imagine it to be the pain after a failed IVF multiplied by several thousand times.  It also reminded me of the unique feeling of loss that infertiles live through.   How do you describe the loss of someone that has never even existed?  What name is there for this?  This cloud that’s always hanging over you, that’s there, but also not completely there.  Then I think about people processing the loss of being completely sterile.  I choke just thinking about that.

One thing that always inspires me is to see infertiles deal with all these feelings and battle their way to sanity and how they keep their heads up amidst all this craziness.  It takes a special kind of person rip out their own arrows and tend to their wounds like others take out the garbage and mow te lawn.  As they say, life goes on…and every day we infertiles realise, more than anyone else will ever understand how magnificent this thing called parenthood is.  If ever there was a positive spin to a sad sad story it is this love that grows in us every time we see that single line and the fortunate ones that will one day be the beneficiaries of this well of love.  Whomever they may be?  For that my friends, we keep on fighting the good fight and keep on ripping out arrows with our bare hands every time they come our way.  ’Cause in our minds eye we’ve got something we’re fighting for.

Hang in there dear soldier, the spoils of this battle is worth every wound, and in this place of nameless pain grows courage known by none other that the likes of ourselves.

There Are 20 Responses So Far. »

  1. Comment by Sian on 20 November 2008:

    So well written and so so true. I can remember that BFN feeling so clearly and I don’t think I will ever forget them. It burns itself into your mind in the same way as – ‘your wedding’ or ‘your graduation’

  2. Comment by Tam on 20 November 2008:

    What a touching, beautiful post. It decribes everything that we all find so hard to put into words. We’re with you here dear friend and we feel your pain.

    We will get it right and in your words…one day we will be beneficiaries of this well of love.

    Big hugs xxx

  3. Comment by Shaz on 20 November 2008:

    Wow! So accuratley described! The feelings after a BFN really scare me, its one of the main reasons I’m afraid to do another IVF, I’m afraid of having to rip out those arrows again. Because although we may be brave enough to commit that act, its still incredbiley painful.

  4. Comment by Sam on 20 November 2008:

    Brilliantly described Super M. The thing is that those arrows that we have to pull out? They will make us all the more aware of how blessed we are when we do achieve parenthood. And the scars that those arrows leave – they will be the marks of our victory.

    xxx

  5. Comment by Adel on 21 November 2008:

    Ditto! Good luck Super M!

  6. Comment by Sue on 21 November 2008:

    You’re so right. And that thing about no name – I totally get it. After we lost Nathan, and people ask us if we have children, what do I say? I was never legally his mother, and yet for 6 weeks he was, to me, my son. But I am not his mommy. So what am I? Who knows.

    Our SW told us that grief is like a tide – it comes out and goes in. I think maybe it’s like that for you right now? Just when it seems ok, the sadness comes back again. Hang in there M. You’re doing a great job!

  7. Comment by Maritza on 21 November 2008:

    Sue, ur SW is very right, it comes and goes, like the tides. I know of only one thing that might one day soothe this feeling of constant loss, and both you and I know what that thing is…

  8. Comment by Nina on 22 November 2008:

    Hi M,

    After 6 IUIs and 7IVFs (1 frozen),I can just say that each experience is unique and none of the results exactly the same. Nature will never be understood by the human mind (although we seek to control it). The result of one IVF will be different from the previous ones and if you just focus on this, there is a new chance every time. For me it is a mistery since there is no obvious reason for it not happening, and me being controlling find this hard to accept. Just the thought of me being pro-active makes it tollerable. I focus on taking it day by day and do not try and take the “full picture” in my mind – this will make me weak even before I start – in any event who can predict the “full picture” anyway…one thing is certain whatever we think will happen in the future is most likely not to happen in the way we thought so why worry? If you want a child, by hook or by crook – you’ll get – focus on that. I am mid-cycle of another one – and one egg developed into an embrio (previous ones were 4-5 on day 5), but doc changed protocol – obviously this had a total different result – we’ll see! From hereafter my “crook” bit starts and I am going to explore other ways so we’ll see!!

    XXN

  9. Comment by Maritza on 22 November 2008:

    Nina, I like the idea of “a new chance every time”. By hook or by crook indeed! Best of luck with your 1 embie cycle & thanks so much for your views.

  10. Comment by Polly on 26 November 2008:

    I’m sorry for your failed cycle. I’m grateful for your heart. Thanks for sharing.

  11. Comment by Penny on 14 May 2009:

    I have just found out that I too am not pregnant, I have cried tears that I never knew were possible. Getting up to dust oneself off and try again as everyone keeps saying – how do you get over the fear that now consumes you

  12. Comment by Invivo on 14 May 2009:

    Penny, I’m so sorry about your result. Dealing with your period arriving and the following four weeks are always the toughest. You need to allow yourself to grieve this loss. With each loss you face new and unique challenges and there is no formula on how to do this. With each new attempt we face new fears and accepting those fears and proceeding in spite of them is how we grow into dealing with them. Once you conquer one fear, the next will arrise undoubtedly, that’s the way of life. Allow yourself to be afraid and sad, and amidst this, move forward one small step at a time. Some days you simply need to keep breathing other days you will feel more courage, but until the courage arrives, just hang in there and be kind to yourself. There is a season to be afraid and there is a season to be bold. Don’t try and enter the battlefield with bleeding wounds. Take care of yourself first.

  13. Comment by Bashni on 25 May 2009:

    I’m having my blood test done tommorrow, and as horrible as it sounds,I know I’m not pregnant. It’s our first IVF. We had 9 eggs, all fertilised, but by day 5, only 2 were ongoing, but not even close to the size they should be. I feel so much regret for giving up that day. My husband is still so postive, and it breaks my heart. Every day since the embryo transfer has been painfull. I have been so positive all the way. But I gave up. I feel a sense of loss, that I can’t really descibe to anyone. I am sorry for all of us. I might consider adoption. I wonder if sometimes things are suppose to happen for a reason.

  14. Comment by TO on 29 May 2009:

    It’s 2 days since my negative result after first IVF. Had 10 eggs, 6 fertilised, 2 placed in womb. I was just as positive – thought this was it and now have to live with this disappointment. Wish I could be anywhere else but here. Not sure what our next steps will be.

  15. Comment by Lia on 4 June 2009:

    I too had a BFN on Friday and I am have been crying for days. Trying too to figure out what to do next and am amazed at these ladies who can endure for 5+ tries. I dont even know if I can do it one more time and go through this pain again…

  16. Comment by Neacy on 14 July 2009:

    Wow..I thought I was the only one dealing with this type of pain. My 1st cycle failed and my dh and I are devastated. We were not prepared for IVF not working for us. Our only problem was that I had a tubal 9 yrs ago. Everything went according to plan. Produced 12 egss. Lost 7 by retrieval day cause my body started to ovulate. Retrieved 5, 3 fertilized. We transferred all 3 into the womb. I never thought I was going to hear those words that I will never forget. In fact, I will never forget that day, July 1st. I have covered up that day on every calendar I have cause to see it is a constant reminder of the pain that day caused us. I expected my dh to be hurt but I was totally unprepared for the tears I saw this man shed. He was as depressed as me. We had total faith that we would get at least one child. The funny this is…I still have pregnacy symptoms. Is it only because I wanted it so bad? Another thing that saddens me is that the center that I went to does not follow up with their patients. I feel they should contact you at least a week after the “news” to see how things are going, and to answer any questions you may have. They just give you the bad news and move on. That’s sad. Our bodies are still going through things from all the meds that we may not understand unless we search for the answer. They should have a support team for their patients. I don’t know if we will ever be able to afford another cycle but I do continue to pray for a miracle from above.

  17. Comment by Bee on 31 August 2009:

    It’s great reading all your experiences at it gives me so much hope. This was my 1st ivf/icsi cycle (41 years old) and yesterday i got a big fat negative and my period came. We got 3 good eggs and all 3 fertilised! i have been so positive and hopeful through our journey but now feel so low, sad and cannot come to terms with the loss of my 3 embabies! My dh is so depressed as we both put so much love and effect into the cycle. It’s comforting to know that there are so many of us out there going through this pain as we so want to become parents. we had complete faith that it would work and we would at least get one child. Life has to go on but it’s so hard.

  18. Comment by Ivy on 19 September 2009:

    I too am 41 years old and I have found comfort reading all of your posts. It does seem like we are just forgotten and left to pick up the pieces on our own.

    I started this IF process when I was 39 and then 40 came and went. We ran the whole gammet starting with clomid. I did get a BPF only to end in m/c at 5 weeks. I am still greiving “what if”, a terrible place to go. Fast forwarding through the stim cycles we moved onto IVF this year with the recommendations of two dif. REs. We just knew it would work and when it didn’t I fell apart and went into a deep depression for about two months. We had one more shot with two 5-day frosties. We discovered I had the MTFR gene and changed up the protocol…I KNEW this would work. We got the dreaded call two hours prior to the transfer that during thawing, one blast’s shell fell apart and “all the contents spilled out”. “You mean my little one?” is all I tought. The remaining blast was badly damaged with only a 15% of recovery. DH and I went through the motions to finish what we started by I already wrote it off. Still, it was so hard to get THE call even though I knew.

    I never thought I would be in this spot. It seems like everyone I know around my age that is going through IF it has worked for them. I am finding myself more isolated and bitter. I just never thought I would be here, especially when I have tried so hard, always had “outstanding cycles” and all I have is a broken heart and medical bills. I am trying to hard keep living a normal life but I have deep hidden pain that doesnt seem to go away.

  19. Comment by Grace on 23 December 2009:

    I have read all these and i cannot tell you how you have encouraged me.
    ASttention. All of you a lucky becouse for me . in my country you even have no where to find these services.
    Am to travel for my 7th IVF trial.
    IO want a child by hook or crook and before i get one i will not rest.

  20. Comment by Colette on 28 February 2010:

    I am so devastated after a failed IVF. My emotions are so all over the place. We have been trying for 3 years. Two IUIs and now this IVF and ZIFT. We had 3 fertilized eggs. Today my period started and the pain is overwhelming. We had our meeting with the DR and he said we should either do a MINI IVF treatment or egg donor but first take a few months off. In a week I turn 40. We are totally against egg donor. I feel broken and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. We love our DR, he’s actually our 3rd DR and his clinic is great. The problem mostly has been all the mishaps in life, deaths in the family, part of me just wonders when is the happiness going to come our way.

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