Dreams
Been a long time since I’ve posted. Been a long time since I’ve felt well enough to have a free minute to think and write, every other productive minute has been filled with work and settling in in our new home.
Despite all the busyness I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and what I want to do with it (I normally overthink things, hence the magical balance that my husband brings to our marriage, he does first then thinks). Anyhow, we were having a braai the other day and my husband asked one of our guests what she would do with her life is she had no limitations, that is if she did not have to support herself financially with what she chose to do. It struck me how clear she was on this, I envy that type of clarity.
At university I used to be so clear about what I wanted to do with my life that I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than what I planned at that stage (being both a counselling and research psychologist). Life happened in between and I became less sure of what I wanted to do and now that I’m in a position that I really have many options to explore, I REALLY don’t know what I want to do. Seems like the more freedom you have the more difficult decisions become. Maybe then limited choice is a blessing in disguise? In a sense I’m crippled by too much choice and a hashmash personality that doesn’t like to be pinned down to one thing.
My problem is mainly that most things end up boring me, I set out in a direction and once I get a feel for the subject area I become bored. I also have multiple modes of functioning. Part of me likes to manage crises, run around, problem solve, another part is obsessed with the aesthetic, part of me can mull over practical and abstract systems and concepts (I love seeing order emerge from chaos), another part of me is poetic, artistic and a little deranged, part of me even likes working with my hands (to much of DH’s frustration seeing that I always want to fix things myself instead of hiring people to do it).
What complicates things most that I need an emotional connection to what I choose to do to make it sustainable, so I continuously keep asking myself, what do you want to do with your life?
Here are a few of the options:
I take up my studies again and qualify myself as a psychologist and specialise in the development of personality, including childhood development and helping parents identify emotional and intellectual strenghts to develop their children optimally with programmes aimed at educating adolescents on career options that fit their strength-profile.
I coordinate the writing of a book on above said topics by engaging experts without actually slugging my way through a masters and doctorate degree.
I become involved in the development and upliftment of informal childhood development projects (like play groups in disadvantaged communities).
I raise awareness on parenting skills, especially aimed at the optimal emotional and intellectual development of children. Structured play etc.
Set up computer literacy training centres for children, teaching them how to research, learn and communicate with technology. Learning them through play projects to collaborate and work in groups.
Start my own ceramic studio.
Set up a practical and useful online social community for my area, to encourage community engagement and connecting of women and indirectly families.
Set up a second hand bookshop/coffee shop that will draw people in to relax and socialise, with book readings, book clubs etc.
Be ubermom. See where motherhood leads me and serve the needs as I see them arrive.
Become a psychologist specialising in Infertility.
Get myself so far as to fire up online projects I’ve started in the past, that have fallen by the wayside.
Refine my cooking skills by completing an advanced cooking course.
Refine my photography skills by completing more projects and speding more time behind the lens.
As you can see, I have enough to keep my dreamy hands busy for a lifetime, and a lot of it is tied up in motherhood and things you get closely involved with by being a parent (hence my deviance from those fields since my struggle with infertility).
For now however, these things mull in the back of my mind as I try and push myself (and our two babies) safely into a new era of our lives, continually made aware of the fragility of it all and terrified by how suddenly it may change. I try to focus myself on today and tomorrow and try not to push myself ahead too far into the future becuase now there is nothing more important than the treasures I carry and transporting them safely into this life.
What are your dreams, and what would you do had you had the freedom to pursue anything regardless of financial security or gain?
HI M
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Comment by Elize on 13 November 2009:
Love your post! Have been thinking about the same thing a lot lately, escpecially in light of my recent decision.
I love what I’m doing now. Especially being able to give advice to the many emails I recieve on trying to get pregnant, it gives me purpose in life. But then I have a secret desire to be a part time paramedic, but not just the basic paramedic, the more advanced one where you are able to administer meds etc. But I am afraid of how I will cope with extreme trauma and death and especially the danger of HIV. So for now, while I mull over it, it remains a dream, I might just start with a basic First Aid course and CPR. I know it sounds silly and not glamorous at all. As a child I wanted to be a Docter ( I still do) but circumstances were so that I was not able to study so I went into the Finance field instead, for me it’s a mindnumbing job, but I do enjoy statistics, so I am happiest when I have a spreadsheet open and working out lots of statistics and stuff. Absolutely love it! Also bookeeping. Keeping everything perfectly balanced and in the right place.
I am not creative at all, to the frustration of my hubby who has given up trying to encourage me to explore that side of me.
I think I must stop, there seems to be a lot more I want to do without actually realising it!
Comment by HopelesslyTTC on 13 November 2009:
Seems I’m not the only one thinking these sorts of thoughts at the moment…I’ve been struggling with this question for years – doesn’t help when you have a career-orientated super-wife!
Seemed serendipitous to read your post this morning…I was at my 4×4 Adventure Club meeting last night and one of the speakers had a few quotes. The one that really struck home to me was one attributed to Saint Augustine: “The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.”
I have no doubt that I would choose to travel the world: awesome 4×4 campervan, the wife, the two kids, my camera equipment, scuba gear, and time/money…would love to have my photo’s published – being a paid wildlife photographer has also been a dream for many many years…but life does seem to get in the way!
Looking at your list, there seem quite a few items that could be attempted concurrently…prevents you getting bored too quickly if you have a few projects to juggle.
I’m sure Übermom is on the cards no matter what other options you select.
Comment by Shaz on 13 November 2009:
I think our dreams and ambitions are very fluid and can change in the blink of an eye, depending on where we find ourselves in life and our circumstances.
I never really had a dream/purpose, or rather I was confused by what I wanted, my life has changed directions a few times and each time the dreams have changed. I’ve also had a major shift in career path and what I do now has nothing to do with what I studied.
Ultimately, I believe one of my strong points is my nurturing and caring personality, my ability to show compassion to others while still being a voice of reason. I strongly believe that my infertility journey has/will change the course of my life. I believe there is a book in the pipeline (already have a published author who wants to ghost write for me). Every aptitude test I’ve ever taken has said my strength is as a mentor or counselor and I see myself doing something within the infertility community. Just not sure what yet, I stand back in wonder and wait and watch as the plan/path unfolds in front of me. I need to get to the end of this journey in order for the next phase to begin.
Comment by Sian on 13 November 2009:
That is a very very good question. I keep going around and around with it. So I can’t say that I have clarity. I do know that it involves people and development. So the coaching and training fall in quite nicely. I also know that I want what I do to make a difference. I can’t stand the thought of being insignificant.
Comment by SCY on 13 November 2009:
Hmmm, interesting one.
I too think that dreams are fluid and ever changing. I think ones dreams of life are direclty shaped by your current situations and they change with your siutations and the challengs you face. When I was younger my dream was to become a zoologist – but as I grew up my dream was to go into hotels and travel the world (only got the working in hotel part right) and right now my dreams are focused on creating and completeing our family.
I think also that it’s important to realise that sometimes dreams can be simple too. Not all dreams have to be grandoise. Sometimes it can be as simple as paying off a house or something like that.
I hope you get to realise all your dreams my friend, while being uber mom and teaching the rest of us how it’s done.
xxx
Comment by Dorette Opperman on 13 November 2009:
Nice topic Maritza and it’s good to read something from you again! I’m amazed with the similarities between the different posts – there’s a common thread in all of our postings (except for our shared journey!) and that is that everybody either want to do something different or are doing something differen! Is this because of IF or is it part of a quarterlife crisis or just simply part of life…..?
I’m taking the jump to a new career in December and while i also get bored quite quickly and have a few things on my list that i would like to do – I think this new things are just a start in the right direction – one must never forget the time it took to get the necessary experience in your current job! So it’s the start of a new decade to get experienced in my new things! I’m also venturing into the training direction with my Babygym classes (maybe study further in Early Childhood Development), a therapeutic direction with the Massaging (wish I could do Physiotherapy but due to my current domicili – a course in sport massage must do)and hopefully a bit of creativity on the side by having time for a project or 2!
If I had enough money and except for also being a uber mom – i would love to travel, have a second hand bookshop with atmosphere, be a chocolatier and or a perfumier!
Never give up on your dreams – you can realise it if you want!
xx
Comment by Daryl on 16 November 2009:
Good to hear from you again super M. I am living my dream at the moment. I get to be a stay at home mom and watch the daily discoveries my little boy makes about his world and how it all fits together.
Yes, there are times when I long for some intelligent conversation, and sometimes I think it would be nice to have a full time domestic, but then again I would resent the invasion of my space.
I’m not saying that I will always be satisfied with things as they are at present, but for the moment, it is such a privilege (and very hard work). Don’t be in too much of a hurry to save the world. When the twins arrive you will have your hands full, and just watching them develop in the first few years is such a fulfillment. The world will still be there in 5 or 10 years to save.