Been a long time since I’ve posted. Been a long time since I’ve felt well enough to have a free minute to think and write, every other productive minute has been filled with work and settling in in our new home.
Despite all the busyness I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and what I want to do with it (I normally overthink things, hence the magical balance that my husband brings to our marriage, he does first then thinks). Anyhow, we were having a braai the other day and my husband asked one of our guests what she would do with her life is she had no limitations, that is if she did not have to support herself financially with what she chose to do. It struck me how clear she was on this, I envy that type of clarity.
At university I used to be so clear about what I wanted to do with my life that I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than what I planned at that stage (being both a counselling and research psychologist). Life happened in between and I became less sure of what I wanted to do and now that I’m in a position that I really have many options to explore, I REALLY don’t know what I want to do. Seems like the more freedom you have the more difficult decisions become. Maybe then limited choice is a blessing in disguise? In a sense I’m crippled by too much choice and a hashmash personality that doesn’t like to be pinned down to one thing.
My problem is mainly that most things end up boring me, I set out in a direction and once I get a feel for the subject area I become bored. I also have multiple modes of functioning. Part of me likes to manage crises, run around, problem solve, another part is obsessed with the aesthetic, part of me can mull over practical and abstract systems and concepts (I love seeing order emerge from chaos), another part of me is poetic, artistic and a little deranged, part of me even likes working with my hands (to much of DH’s frustration seeing that I always want to fix things myself instead of hiring people to do it).
What complicates things most that I need an emotional connection to what I choose to do to make it sustainable, so I continuously keep asking myself, what do you want to do with your life?
Here are a few of the options:
I take up my studies again and qualify myself as a psychologist and specialise in the development of personality, including childhood development and helping parents identify emotional and intellectual strenghts to develop their children optimally with programmes aimed at educating adolescents on career options that fit their strength-profile.
I coordinate the writing of a book on above said topics by engaging experts without actually slugging my way through a masters and doctorate degree.
I become involved in the development and upliftment of informal childhood development projects (like play groups in disadvantaged communities).
I raise awareness on parenting skills, especially aimed at the optimal emotional and intellectual development of children. Structured play etc.
Set up computer literacy training centres for children, teaching them how to research, learn and communicate with technology. Learning them through play projects to collaborate and work in groups.
Start my own ceramic studio.
Set up a practical and useful online social community for my area, to encourage community engagement and connecting of women and indirectly families.
Set up a second hand bookshop/coffee shop that will draw people in to relax and socialise, with book readings, book clubs etc.
Be ubermom. See where motherhood leads me and serve the needs as I see them arrive.
Become a psychologist specialising in Infertility.
Get myself so far as to fire up online projects I’ve started in the past, that have fallen by the wayside.
Refine my cooking skills by completing an advanced cooking course.
Refine my photography skills by completing more projects and speding more time behind the lens.
As you can see, I have enough to keep my dreamy hands busy for a lifetime, and a lot of it is tied up in motherhood and things you get closely involved with by being a parent (hence my deviance from those fields since my struggle with infertility).
For now however, these things mull in the back of my mind as I try and push myself (and our two babies) safely into a new era of our lives, continually made aware of the fragility of it all and terrified by how suddenly it may change. I try to focus myself on today and tomorrow and try not to push myself ahead too far into the future becuase now there is nothing more important than the treasures I carry and transporting them safely into this life.
What are your dreams, and what would you do had you had the freedom to pursue anything regardless of financial security or gain?