It’s 3.46 am 1 Jan 2010, I’m 23 weeks and 2 days pregnant with twins. I’m sleepless and simply can’t get over how HUGE I’m feeling. I’m praying for sideways expansion ’cause seriously any more forward expansion and I’ll be tumbling over real soon.  Below, a pic of myself on Christmas day seated on my Christmas presie on which I’ll probably be spending a lot of sleepless nights like these, at first nursing my increasingly unmanageable tummy and later nursing two anxiously awaited little creatures. B.t.w Don’t be desceived by how small the lounger makes my tummy seem, it’s HUGE and soon I’ll update you with another sideways shot to evidence the point.

I bought myself a dress yesterday, to see if perhaps it’s not the wiser choice in my current condition, I ended up laughing myself in a state of near shock. I refuse to show anyone what it looks like.  You’ll have to take my word for it. It’s a sad, sad little picture.  Fashionable will have to escape my vocabularly for a while.

Then, in case you wondered, little Lulu is still the sunshine in our lives. She’s undoubtedly the cutest dog ever.  She loves meeting and greeting every single dog and man she runs across on the beach and has no fear of water whatsoever which normally results in daily baths during the holiday season to wash off sea and sand.  She has an obsession with fetching balls and digging holes in the sand.  She also loves chasing after her own breed, especially Pesto (her imaginary boyfriend) who lives two houses from our beach house.  Unfortunately he has been neutered so it will have to remain what it is, a summer romance.

P.S. This is a rather untypical picture, normally she’ll be looking much more grungy and grimy, her most joyful state of being. This was taken a few hours after a bath.

She’s beginning to look just like her mom, only her mom has a better hairstyle ’cause she probably isn’t a hardcore outdoorsy dog that gets things stuck in her hair on a daily basis.

2010 is going to be a year of huge change for us and will be ushered in with great discomfort (already struggling not to keep my hands raised behind my head to ease my cramped breathing space).  Can’t wait to put the pregnancy phase behind me and get on parenting, it has undoubtedly been one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever experienced and is testing my patience and endurance on a daily basis.  Each time however I feel the little buggers moving and kicking, I’m reminded what it’s all about and feel deeply thankful to be able to experience this rite of passage and this very special and intimate bond. Simply can’t wait to meet them!

In the meantime I battle to stay sane and keep them safe and sound for another 14 weeks. It’s going to be a tough three months!

Been a long time since I’ve posted.  Been a long time since I’ve felt well enough to have a free minute to think and write, every other productive minute has been filled with work and settling in in our new home.

Despite all the busyness I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and what I want to do with it (I normally overthink things, hence the magical balance that my husband brings to our marriage, he does first then thinks). Anyhow, we were having a braai the other day and my husband asked one of our guests what she would do with her life is she had no limitations, that is if she did not have to support herself financially with what she chose to do. It struck me how clear she was on this, I envy that type of clarity.

At university I used to be so clear about what I wanted to do with my life that I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than what I planned at that stage (being both a counselling and research psychologist).  Life happened in between and I became less sure of what I wanted to do and now that I’m in a position that I really have many options to explore, I REALLY don’t know what I want to do.  Seems like the more freedom you have the more difficult decisions become.   Maybe then limited choice is a blessing in disguise?  In a sense I’m crippled by too much choice and a hashmash personality that doesn’t like to be pinned down to one thing.

My problem is mainly that most things end up boring me, I set out in a direction and once I get a feel for the subject area I become bored. I also have multiple modes of functioning. Part of me likes to manage crises, run around, problem solve, another part is obsessed with the aesthetic, part of me can mull over practical and abstract systems and concepts (I love seeing order emerge from chaos), another part of me is poetic, artistic and a little deranged, part of me even likes working with my hands (to much of DH’s frustration seeing that I always want to fix things myself instead of hiring people to do it).

What complicates things most that I need an emotional connection to what I choose to do to make it sustainable, so I continuously keep asking myself, what do you want to do with your life?

Here are a few of the options:

I take up my studies again and qualify myself as a psychologist and specialise in the development of personality, including childhood development and helping parents identify emotional and intellectual strenghts to develop their children optimally with programmes aimed at educating adolescents on career options that fit their strength-profile.

I coordinate the writing of a book on above said topics by engaging experts without actually slugging my way through a masters and doctorate degree.

I become involved in the development and upliftment of informal childhood development projects (like play groups in disadvantaged communities).

I raise awareness on parenting skills, especially aimed at the optimal emotional and intellectual development of children.  Structured play etc.

Set up computer literacy training centres for children, teaching them how to research, learn and communicate with technology.  Learning them through play projects to collaborate and work in groups.

Start my own ceramic studio.

Set up a practical and useful online social community for my area, to encourage community engagement and connecting of women and indirectly families.

Set up a second hand bookshop/coffee shop that will draw people in to relax and socialise, with book readings, book clubs etc.

Be ubermom.  See where motherhood leads me and serve the needs as I see them arrive.

Become a psychologist specialising in Infertility.

Get myself so far as to fire up online projects I’ve started in the past, that have fallen by the wayside.

Refine my cooking skills by completing an advanced cooking course.

Refine my photography skills by completing more projects and speding more time behind the lens.

As you can see, I have enough to keep my dreamy hands busy for a lifetime, and a lot of it is tied up in motherhood and things you get closely involved with by being a parent (hence my deviance from those fields since my struggle with infertility).

For now however, these things mull in the back of my mind as I try and push myself (and our two babies) safely into a new era of our lives, continually made aware of the fragility of it all and terrified by how suddenly it may change.  I try to focus myself on today and tomorrow and try not to push myself ahead too far into the future becuase now there is nothing more important than the treasures I carry and transporting them safely into this life.

What are your dreams, and what would you do had you had the freedom to pursue anything regardless of financial security or gain?

I read a post on Fertilicare the other day, a post that moved me and touched me, like so many others who express their deepest pain and fear so eloquently and so real. I think it speaks of the heart that we cherish on the forum, and I thought I’d post it here to remember, remember the hardest times. Makes me so proud to be part of such a deep and caring community.

My DW – by Darlinghusband

Another week goes by my angel with many more to go
How can I get you through it?, I wish I could make the pain go
Your tears are drowning you, you can’t even breathe
All this pain and waiting just so that you will conceive

Your time has become about moments with every tear you shed
My time for you is now about how much blood I have bled.
I can hurt for you ,hurt like you , even be hurt by you
But I cannot be you , be what you are or make you new

Your pain and sadness has become so great and powerful
If only there was some way for me to make you less tearful
I’m watching you sleep now while my eyes fill with water
TELL me someone why is my wife been taken to the slaughter !

Your heart and your soul cry out for our child we have never seen
Just what is it with life sometimes that it has to be so mean?
I will now love you in ways that life simply cannot stop
Because from now on I will carry your pain and your tears until I drop.

Like I said before, soon we will meet the child we have yet to conceive
Of that I am certain no matter how long we bereave
I will always be there for you as you climb, no matter how steep
Sleep well my angel ,sleep well , I am watching over you as you sleep
Sleep well
DH

To all those in the trenches of infertility, living with the pain and uncertainty of never knowing, of living on the shifty sands of waiting and wanting, a dedication:

Wait it out – By Imogen Heap

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can’t get beyond the questions…

Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been

Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

There’s nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around
We’re closed to the earth ’til further notice

A stumbling cliched case,
crumpled and puffy faced
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles

All I want, only one, street level miracle
I’ll be an out and out, born again, from none more
cynical

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold, we will be long gone by then
In lackluster, in dust we’ve layer on old magazines,
fluorescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should be being
in the one life that we’ve got

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out

Tomorrow we’ll be pregnant 9 weeks, horay! So far so good. Scan#2 Friday morning.

Current topic of stress:

Will all three heartbeats still be there?

Funny how what began as, “May there please be A heartbeat” now suddenly morphed into, “Please don’t let one of them fall away?” It’s in our nature, we want to nurture and protect what we have, want to keep our own out of harm’s way.  Gone are the days of triplet panic, it seems almost natural now, like it’s supposed to be, but the fear and dread of losing one or all is ever present.

Somehow I’ve got to let go and let be ’cause no amount of fretting will change the outcome which is already determined.  Can you imagine that? The joy and exhilaration which we feel now can in a second be replaced with loss and grief, and in the future I’m already grieving or celebrating, I’m just not privy to that moment yet because time, like a thick curtain separates me from tomorrow, protecting me from experiencing too much life in one moment. Keeping the future secretly brewing, like the life within me.

Despite all the fear and uncertainty, I have a deep hope and trust that we’ll be ok. The future will be ok. We will create joy and love and happiness whatever the circumstance, that my friends is within my reach today, THAT I can hold close and nurture, tomorrow is simply an extension of that which I nurture today.

So today I choose to nurture hope and certainty and happiness. Hope to see you all in that future!

In the words of a good friend: “Rainbow farts to all!”

Thursday 10 September 2009 will remain in memory forever. It was the day we saw the heartbeats of three little creatures fighting their way into life, a momentous day on a three year journey of LOTS of hard work and persistence. It was the day I finally believed we could do it, we could conceive.

It’s rather shocking to find out that your first pregnancy, which you thought would be impossible, turns out to be a triplet pregnancy. The feelings leading up to the scan are terrifying, to say the least, and your mind plays tricks on you round every turn.  You would not believe it, but on our way to the clinic we even discussed how odd it would be if there were nothing, then all my symptoms would have been psychosomatic, a phatom pregnancy. DH said he would not be appreciative of the many runs he had to make to shops and restaurants and midnight snacks if the scan turned up nothing. Knowing the sheer strength of my imagination this thought struck me with fear and horror. Maybe it was indeed all in my mind…

Enter into Evidence – Ultrasound One – Week 7

Yay! I’m indeed not insane.  As you can see, three babies create a hefty amount of paperwork.

Baby1

I could not believe how quickly Dr.V picked up this little bugger, the embryo is hidden away on the backside of my uterus and only faint lines and a beating heart was visible, a little smudgelet of white noise beating away.

Babies no 2 & 3 were clearly visible and were pretty easy to find and measure.

Baby2

Baby3

I immediately spotted three dark spots and initially thought that maybe it was something else, they’re a lot like follicles, big and black.  When I realised they were actaully the embryos, I noticed the one sac was empty and immediately thought, ok, twins, but Dr.V kept screening, somewhat concerned by what he was seeing, perhaps panicking that he might discover yet another. But that was it, four sacs of which one was empty.  They all measured on target for 7 weeks (10mm) and heartbeats were 150. So far so good.

The day was exhausting, especially taken the fact that I barely slept the night before and the many phonecalls and sms’s that begged our attention.  What started as a joke amoungst our friends and family became reality and now we really need three of everything, all at the same time!

I’m exhausted & hungry & nauseous! Pretty much all of the time. But very, very thankful. Thank you Lord, we prayed so long and hard for this.

My next scan is in two weeks with Dr.V and I have an appointment with a multiple pregnancy specialist in four weeks (6 October).

All on track and very, very pregnant, hard to believe but my tummy is already buldging!

Hoping to take these three all the way.